Life's Postcards

when it rains it pours

Yesterday was not my best day ever.

It was not my usual Mommy Monday. In fact it was a very un-mommy like monday.

In one moment life rained and poured all over me and I felt all at once defeated, hopeless, stuck and beaten down.  I felt like running away.

Then I felt like a horrible human being for imagining what it would feel like to be somewhere else.

Of course I know deep down that I would never walk away from the life that I've created and that I know I am damn lucky to have.

But for just one moment, scary as it is to admit, it felt like I wanted to.

I felt sad and helpless to change what is. I wanted to give up and give in.

Only this time I didn't hold it all in, I said it out loud and let it be there, which actually took a lot of the energy out of it.

I went to bed with it heavy on my heart and mind.

Then today I woke up and it's a totally fresh new day and I have a chance to look from a new perspective.

Yes the same issues will still exist. I'm still going to be faced with arguments from ex's over supporting their children. I'm still going to battling a teenager who resents me.

But I am also reminded of a pretty powerful quote:

"Life's ups and downs provide windows of opportunity to determine your values and goals. Think of using all obstacles as stepping stones to build the life you want." ~Marsha Sinetar

So today I snuggle my almost 4 year old a little extra, I make a mental list of all the things I love so much about my beautiful teenager and I spend a little more time appreciating the obstacles that I've already overcome that have helped move me towards my goals.

"Tomorrow's another day, and I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain"

 

Life's Simple Pleasure #6 - me time

There was definitely a time in my life when being alone was scary.

Dining alone in a restaurant was out of the question.

Going to the movies alone was for people with no friends.

Sitting in a quiet empty house was deafening.

It took me a long time to realize that being alone isn't a statement about where I am in a relationship or how many friends I have.

It's a gift to myself and ultimately, to those around me because I've learned to use my me time to recharge my batteries. To fill my cup.

You don't have to fly 3,000 miles to get me time but this week I did. 

It was blissful. It was just what I needed.

It was selfish and you know what, I think we could all be a little more selfish with our time.

Not in a mean way or in a way that hurts others, but in a way that cares for ourselves.

Don't you first have to love yourself before you can love another?

I hope you take a moment to yourself this week, even if it's a stolen quiet moment after the kids are asleep or before they wake up.

Do something just for you all by yourself. You might be surprised at how un-lonely being alone can be!

down with the sickness

Poor baby girl was sick this past mommy monday.

Sunday evening began with a never before seen vomit session on the front lawn which was followed by an overnight every 2 hour vomit fest.

In what I thought was a pure genius move, I opted to have her sleep in my bed so that I could get to her with the trash can in time.

That was about the only genius part of that plan.

We got into a perfect pattern, she would stir & rub her feet on me which would alert me that she was about to hurl and I would immediately sit up and put her on my lap with the trash can under her. 

After she was done, a few ice chips later she'd be snuggled up on me and fall back asleep. Inevitibly she would reposition, usually with her feet somehow wandering up to at least my torso and at one point, my face. 

Which reminded me why co-sleeping didn't last long in our house.

12 hours after it had all began, the vomiting subsided and by 9am she was slowly eating some toast and wondering why we couldn't go out for a walk to ducky pond.

Meanwhile, I felt like I had been hit by a truck from the lack of sleep.

I don't know how those little bodies bounce back so quickly, I remember after her heart surgery it was the same thing. 

But she kicked that bug and all is right in her world again.

I can remember times in my life where I might not have been as grateful and appreciative of that night with her.

But this time I laid there and thought what in the world would be better than taking care of my daughter when she needs me most?

Isn't that something we all crave, to be needed and loved?

For some reason it reminded me of a beautiful piece I had recently read by an author named Diane Loomans called If I had my child to raise all over again.

"If I had my child to raise all over again,

I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging."

 

For now I'm just hoping I get it right the first time around.

tomorrow is not a guarantee

I stumbled upon this video, a glimpse into the world of a beautiful couple and their children, who are currently traveling the world, living their own personal dream.

Take a look:

 

It's difficult to find the words to describe how I felt when I first watched that but what I can tell you is what I thought. 

I thought, am I living an authentic life?

Am I truly doing what I feel called to do?

Am I sharing my passions with my children and teaching them the value of not putting off till tomorrow what we could do today?

In some ways the answer to that question is yes. I left a job with great benefits and an amazing salary to follow my calling as a Birth Doula. I chose doing what I love and having more time with my family over a fat salary and I'd do it again any day of the week.

But what about living in the present moment and not putting things off?

Now that I haven't quite mastered. For me it's easy to use the excuse that there isn't enough money, due to the aforementioned lifestyle choice.

But I know deep down that there is never enough time, money, patience, resources, etc.

Deep down I know that tomorrow is not a guarantee so there's no sense waiting.

I know that my truly authentic life is a life that includes travel, travel and more travel.

I'm called to it when I look at photos of beautiful places. I'm called to it as I read the Goodwin Project blog.

So tomorrow I set off on my first solo travel adventure in almost two years. For many people that might not seem like much time but for me, that's about 22 months too long.

The last trip I took alone was to Minneapolis in 2010. It was an epic trip. I have a 17 page journal entry about it that I am still building the courage to post here one day.

For this next adventure I bought my very first Smash journal. If you haven't heard of them you must check it out here: Smash Video

The smash journal will allow me to gather not only my thoughts but also real snippets of where I've been and what I've done.

Excited is in an understatement, I've been packed since Tuesday.

Not divulging where I'm off to quite yet but here's a hint: I packed my yoga mat.

What are you doing TODAY to live your most present in the moment, truly authentic life?

 

Ducky Pond

Mommy Mondays have long been a favorite of mine, and this week was no exception.

After a long weekend away, I was desperate for some quiet time with sweet pea and I got just that. The weather has been nothing short of amazing and Monday was no exception. Just sun, sun and more sun.

I like to make the most of my time and have on occasion been known to attempt to multi-task by mixing quality mom time with quality get errands done time.

Let's just say that for me, the two don't mix. I've learned to save errands for other days of the week.

This week we decided to borrow the neighbors little net and take a walk to what we call Ducky Pond, because a lot of ducks live there of course. Duh!

Emma and I usually do a check in at bedtime of our favorite moments of the day, and on this day she recalled this moment with clarity.

This was the moment when we saved the turtle.

After a futile attempt at catching tadpoles, we eventually began to make our way home and the turtles that were sunning themselves would jump in the water as we passed by.

One poor unsuspecting turtle accidentally ended up on his back as he jumped.

We of course did what any decent person would do, we used our handy dandy fish net to help flip him back over!

Hooray, hooray, hooray, we saved the day.

Never mind the fact that our briskly walking up to him made him freak out and flip over. Let's just leave that part out.

We had lots of other fun moments too. Lots of those "best things in life are free" moments.

Emma and I are looking forward to the summer when Kelsey can join us for mommy mondays.

Call me crazy but I suspect they will include things like trips to Starbucks.

No complaints here.

Hope you enjoy a very special mommy moment today!

 

the return of Favorite {Photo} Friday!

It's been pretty much forever since I made a Favorite {Photo} Friday post.

Almost three years in fact!

A lot has happened in the last three years so finding the perfect photo was...an ordeal.

Can I get a drumroll please?

This was one of my all time favorite moments of 2010 and since it's been that long since I picked a fav, I thought I'd backtrack.

Look at those faces, joyous right? Me, my BFF and my two butterflies all together at the Maryland Rennesance Festival in October of 2010.

Ahh, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Luckily, it was mostly the best :-)

Out of the mouths of babes

I am constantly amazed by the things that come from my childrens mouths, not always in a good way, but amazed nonetheless. Often things that have me in hysterics are forgotten by the next day so I've gotten in the habit of jotting these things down as they happen so that I can remember later.

That whole "pregnancy brain" never actually went away after pregnancy for me and my memory is not what is used to be.

Although considering I couldn't remember any birthdays besides my own until well into highschool, one could argue that there wasn't much memory to speak of as it was.

Here are a few ancedotes that I've compiled so far this week. And by this week I mean since Sunday...keep in mind it's only Tuesday.

K: Mom, we need to get horse shampoo and conditioner.

Me: Why.

K: Because it will make your hair grow longer.

Duh.

E: Shhh, when you talk loud it scares the purple caterpillar.

Me: what purple caterpillar.

E: The one that followed me inside from the park. 

How did I miss that?

K: Do you have any gum?

Me: no.

K: You ate the whole box?

Me: I got that at Christmas and I use a piece every time I run.

K: Run?

Apparently she hadn't noticed.

Me: Emma what would you like for lunch?

E: How about a quesadilla...and pickles.

Me: You like pickles?

E: No but you can put them on my plate.

Obviously.

"I lost my voice last weekend from Om'ing too much"

Ok so maybe I am a little too into the "Sh*t people say" YouTube videos but the one about yogi's makes me cry with laughter.

The funniest line is a toss up between "I bought some really cool eyeshadow for my third eye" and "let's do wheatgrass shots after this". Love love love it.

I have a super cool awesome friend who also happens to be a yoga teacher and I get a lot of inspiration from her blog at Every Breath I Take.  Check her out if you get a chance.

Seeing her phots of doing yoga at home with her little one gave me a great idea for my home practice. Why not include my own sweet pea?

One evening I laid the mat out on the living room floor and it drew a lot of attention. I think the cats were the first to take notice and eventually Emma asked about it. That was the first night I added Emma into my practice and now it's a nice part of our routine.

For me, yoga not only helps work on flexibility, strength, and balance of the body but also of the mind. When I'm on the mat nothing is more important. I am inwardly focused and completely present.The stress of the day melts away.

While I admit that praciticing yoga with my preschooler is a different experience, for me it is just as rewarding. I love the idea of working together on flexibility, coordination and body awareness. The quietness of the practice helps give our time together a sense of calm and relaxation.

I firmly believe our resident teenager would greatly benefit from incorporating yoga into her life but she hasn't shown interest just yet. I know that patience and leading by example is the best I can do.

Namaste

Life's Simple Pleasure #4 - the wee small hours of the morning

The summers of my 18th and 19th year were spent working at the beach in Ocean City, MD.  The first summer I worked as a "pool assistant" checking passes and perfecting my tan at one of the properties my Dad managed. It was a ridiculously easy job, in fact the hardest part of my day was explaining to people that I was not a lifeguard and therefore it was perfectly acceptable for me to be making friendship bracelets and listening to my headphones while on duty.

I'm a morning person now but back then I often slept in till noon.  If it was suggested that I get up before the sun I would have shot the person a typical Kerry "stink face" and scoffed at the mere idea of it.

The second summer I worked at a t-shirt shop on the boardwalk and this was where I learned to appreciate the hours of morning where there are only blissful quiet sounds, where the warm sun is just coming across the horizon and even the coffee tastes better.

When possible I would try to get up early, grab my coffee and sit on the bench outside the store to watch the sunrise. Ahh the relaxation!

When it was time to open the store I would pop in one of many amazing mix tapes that my boyfriend had made me and wait for the crowds to arrive. I'm pretty sure I had a smile on my face as I watched the sun rise higher in the sky from my quiet store front.

I noticed a big difference in my attitude on the days I was able to make it to the beach before the hustle of the boardwalk began.

Before the swarms of sunburned tourists flocked to the shop, asking the most ridiculous of questions of me.  In those moments I worked hard not to shoot them the aforementioned stink face, as that would have been bad for business I suppose.

Somewhere in my mind I think the quiet morning hours lingered and helped me chill a little bit.

These days it's rare that I would be up before anyone in my house. A wakes before the sun and middle school starts wicked early, so Kelsey is up not long after.

So instead I've learned to appreciate the quiet moments with my coffee before I hear sweet pea over the monitor, informing me that the sunshine is on.

The moments where I can open the window and get that first sweet scent of fresh air and enjoy the quiet of the breeze.

The quiet still hours of morning that help us prepare our minds for the day. Before the phone starts to ring, before there are places to go, before anyone needs anything from us.

Have you enjoyed the wee small hours of the morning lately? Or is the late night after everyone is in bed more enjoyable for you?

uninspiring yet always suprising

The thing I love about setting intentions is keeping them and so I am writing again, despite a lack of inspiration this week.

It's been a difficult, challenging and uninspired week. We knew it would get harder before it gets easier but knowing something theoretically and living it in reality are two totally different things.

"How are you doing?" is the most common question I get and I desperately want to find an answer that sums up the feeling of sadness, fear, anger, frustration and anxiety sprinkled with moments of pure joy, excitement and love. It's a strange and crazy reality, one that I suspect many parents of children with emotional difficulties experience on a daily basis.

Or parents in general for that matter. It certainly is one big flippin' learning experience after another.

Preschool drop off is always a fun and exciting part of the day around here. Not because I'm dropping her off somewhere, but because of the excitement and joy on her face that I'm taking her somewhere that she LOVES and learns so much at. Remember the days of being so excited to get to school and see your teacher and create some beautiful piece of art or discover a new favorite activity? Definitely joyful.

Some days that's my inspiration point. Some days that's my joy.

Other days, as a friend recently pointed out, just knowing I provided a safe place for my kids to lay their heads at night is the best I can do.

Today I had a brief moment of comfort when I saw one of Kelsey's middle school teachers sit by her side, put her hand on Kelsey's hand and heard her say "Your mom has her job to do and she's here doing it, making sure you are safe and taken care of. You should know you are blessed to have such a mom."

It has been a tough and challenging week but like I said, there are surprises of joy sprinkled in.

It comes in all different shapes and sizes, have you found your joy moment today?

 

mommy mondays

Monday is the not the only day of the week that I'm a mommy, it is however the one day where being a mommy is less interrupted then others. The one day of the week I don't make doula appointments, school meetings or playdates. Since my other baby is in 8th grade, I have the gift of one full day where it's just me and the three year old princess. Sounds blissful right?

Well then you haven't met my three year old.

The day typically begins with a large hot and delicious smelling cup of coffee, which has been brewed  and lovingly placed at my bedside by A, just before I wake up. Yes I am so completely spoiled and I love and appreciate it so.

Before I head downstairs Emma usually asks me if I put my contacts in, which makes me laugh out loud just thinking about how I've trained her with my crappy eyesight to ask if I will actually be able to see fully for the next very important morning ritual, waffles.

If you haven't heard the waffles story then you may not know that it's kind of a big deal around here. Specifically the syrup, but I digress.

Today Emma and I had only one very important task: grocery shopping. Sounds easy right? Again, you haven't met my three year old.

I elected to wait until after nap to head to the store for some much needed refilling of the pantry, which was of course my first mistake. At least once every week my sweet pea skips her nap and today was that kind of day. Oh she'll lay in her bed and talk to her animals, which I thank my lucky stars for, but no sleeping of any kind actually happens.

Late afternoon rolls around and it's time to head out for shopping, we elect to hit the Target because Emma has a specific item in mind for this shopping trip.

Backing up for a moment, Emma arrived home from preschool on Friday and presented me with an empty smores flavor granola bar wrapper. "Mommy we need to buy these." Apparently they were given out as snacks and my little genius held onto it as to provide me with the most specific instructions. Seriously.

So we're off to Target and amazingly enough we make it into the store and through the shopping trip with little to no incident.

We even got the smores granola bars for sweet pea and hot pink nail polish for mamma.

We also scored some fruit snacks on sale and here is where the madness begins because Emma is addicted to fruit snacks. If left alone with a box, she would eat the entire thing in one sitting.

The items were bagged and we were off to the car with time to spare! This is a rare scene indeed. We reached the car and as I began to unload the cart, the pieces of my perfectly executed shopping trip began to unravel as I hear the words "I want my fruit snacks mommy".

It's now 4:55pm and I've calculated the timing of dinner so I start digging for the fruit snacks as a reasonable tide me over for the sweet pea. At this point she has started to crawl into the trunk to start looking for them herself.

There are about 10 Target bags that all look alike and her desperation is growing as each second passes, "where are the fruit snacks!!". Just in time I locate the box, get one packet out and open it for her, placing her back on the curb next to the car.

I'm finishing loading the car and she has now decided it's a great idea to take all of the fruit snacks out of the little bag they were in and hold them in one tiny little hand while holding the now empty bag in the other tiny little hand.

I finish up and turn to see the first fruit snack hit the ground, in the mulch. No five second rule here because the fruit snack is gooey from the warm tiny little hand. Phase one of meltdown begins with a sigh.

I close the trunk with the cart still resting against the car and start to console the broken hearted look on her face. I remind her of the handful that remains and as she goes to pop another one in her mouth it falls to the ground.

Another one bites the dust.

Tears begin to flow and they are those fat, wet tears that just roll down their sweet faces. She is begging to have me pick them up and clean them off and there is just no reasoning with her.

As I pick her up to place her in the car seat she is now screaming and kicking her feet, wailing at me to put her down and insisting that she has to go back for the lost fruit snacks.

Another shopper takes pity on me and gently tells me she'll return my cart and gives me a warm smile.

And that literally saved the moment for me. Something so simple and yet so incredibly thoughtful. And it reminded me of the story I read over at Rants from Mommyland called Tea Party at Target and I smiled back. My eyes welled up and I looked at my screaming little love and remembered that in her world, those fruit snacks were about the most important thing she had going on at the moment.

I was also reminded of a brilliant comedian Brian Regan, he gives a great perspective to what kids are going through at moments like these:

 

 

The line "jeepers creepers folks" always makes me cry with laughter.

So instead of diminishing her sadness I reassured her that there would indeed be more fruit snacks. I told her I understood how upset she was, handed her the beloved blankie and kissed her cheeks where the tears had been.

And so another mommy monday comes to an end. Perhaps it turned out pretty damn blissfull after all. I really do love Mondays :-)

all I really needed to know about how to live I so did NOT learn in kindergarten

Montessori school, maybe.

You remember that great poem "share everything, play fair, don't hit people, put things back where you found them, clean up your own mess, don't take things that aren't yours, etc, etc". Those were indeed some mighty important lessons and yet so beautifully basic.

There were some things however that I didn't learn that are quite important in my present daily life so I thought I'd share a few and save you the trouble of finding out the hard way.

1) mopping without sweeping the floor does not save time, it triples it. now you have to wait for the floor to dry, sweep up the animal hair and kid mess you mopped around and re-mop.

2) do not mop before you wipe off the counters. don't believe me? try it for yourself and then see lesson 1.

3) You will most likely never dine at the White House so having perfect table manners isn't necessary. Eating dinner at the table with your family is.

4) When life gives you lemons, make a lemon-drop martini. way better than lemonade, trust me. 

5) take lots and lots and lots of pictures and print them out. no online tool will ever replace the power of a photo that you can see and most importantly, feel.

5) running around outside in the rain will not give you a cold. so get caught in a rainstorm and jump in some puddles every once in a while.

6) that boy that teases you on the playground may have a crush on you but he isn't the one you want to date. the one who's doing his homework on the park bench is.

7) never underestimate the power of a smile. they make the world go round.

8) make time for your friends and invite them into your home, not just when you actually have time. they don't care if your laundry is piled on the couch or the hand towels in the bathroom are seasonal.

or if the floor has been mopped correctly ;-)

my three year old clepto

Ok so maybe clepto is a little harsh seeing as Urban Dictionary defines it as "someone who enjoys stealing and will jack anything they can get their hands on", but my little one is definitely pushing the boundaries of the what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine theory.

I have recently started checking her pockets before nap time, like you would check your pockets before washing clothes, and I am always amused by what I might find.

Today however I was not amused, ok well I was slightly amused about some of it. FINE, it gave me a pretty good laugh now as I think about it. 

Anyway, today I found something she had "jacked" from preschool. Not just something but somethings.

The first pocket was fairly uninspiring, a small plastic gem shaped object that resembles a ruby.

The second pocket however was the pocket that gave me pause...and a good belly laugh.

Not only was there a large gumball sized piece of homemade playdough but also a clear plastic tack. Yup you heard me right, tack. Like the kind you stick pieces of paper to a corkboard with.

And I'm thinking "is this kid serious?" I mean I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Her reaction to me finding the random mishmash of items gave me some comfort, she expressed what I can only describe as remorse as her brain processed the response she would receive from her teacher when we had to return said "collected" items next week.

As I dried her tears I was reminded of how I felt the first (and only) time I stole something as a kid. I remember it VIVIDLY. It was a piece of strawberry candy from a store in the mall. They had big barrels of candy that you could put in bags, I put one in my pocket.

My mom had me return the candy to the store worker, who was most likely some angst filled teenager who couldn't have cared less, but to me it was the ultimate humiliation. I seriously never ever ever stole from a store again so apparently that was a lesson learned, despite the blow to my ego.

I wonder if the returning of the gem, playdough and tack will be equally lasting, one can only hope.

 

Life's Simple Pleasure #3 - the weekend getaway

I have a long standing love affair with the Indigo Girls, there's no denying that. I own every album, know every song and try to see them play Wolftrap every year with my two best friends from high school, a tradition I look forward to each summer.

The Power of Two is one of my all time favorites by them, made even more memorable to me by the fact that many many years ago my two best friends and I sang that song at another friends wedding and it also happens to be one of sweet pea's favorite lullabies.

None of those reasons however qualify it for a "life's simple pleasure" moment but if you listen to the lyrics, you find what does. Here's a snippet:

"now the parking lot is empty, everyone's gone someplace. I pick you up and in the trunk I've packed, a cooler and a two day suitcase. There's a place we like to drive, way out in the country. Five miles out of the city limits we're singing and your hands upon me knee."

Enter life's simple pleasure #3 - the weekend getaway. This past weekend we had the opportunity to make a weekend getaway even in the midst of the current challenges. I remember a wise woman once told me that the perfect time for something is exactly when you create it and so, we did!

Granted, it had been planned for over a month but we could have let the chaos of life cancel our indulgence.

Instead, on Friday after the final hospital meeting for Kelsey, we headed towards Charlottesville and stopped at the delicious Blue Mountain Brewery. That place is a MUST SEE, not only is the beer amazing but I have loved everything I've ordered there. Then we headed to the adorable little town of Culpeper, where this September we will have our wedding. On Saturday we enjoyed an amazing wine & soup pairing event at Rappahannock Cellars, fed & pet the horses that live at Desert Rose Ranch & Winery and I even got a hug from the owner! We also walked around town seeing all that Culpeper has to offer and enjoyed a thoroughly wonderful weekend.

Take a look at some of my favorite photos from our weekend getaway, hope it inspires you to enjoy some happy travels of your own!!

Old House Vineyards

Love Locks at Old House Vineyards

balcony sun at the Suites at 249

Ravens Nest Coffee House - downtown Culpeper

Rappahannock Cellars

Desert Rose Ranch & Winery

feeding the horses of Desert Rose

 happily sun drenched (aka A admiring his ring selection)

Need ideas and inspirations for a weekend getaway in the DC area? There are a couple great books with suggested day trips, weekends and even a book on the best scenic drives in America.

remembering to unplug

I'm a lifelong windows user turned Mac enthusiast and have been amazed and incrediblized at the ridiculousness of how easy it has been for me to transition over.

Between my iPhone, Macbook, Apple TV,  the Mac that lives in the living room and of course the iTunes "cloud" of music which appears on all of my devices, I'm surrounded by brilliant technology. I spend a lot of time connected to that technology and have even been accused of being addicted to my iPhone, or Facebook, or both...which may be a little true. The first step is recognizing it right?

A few nights ago however I used that technology to zen out, relax and meditate. How you ask?

Well I downloaded some New Age yoga music and let the shanti shanti shanti wash over me. Oh yes, it was pure bliss.  The only thing missing were my nag champa incents and pachouli candles.

This was of course after watching 5 you tube videos of things like Sh*t Yogi's Say ("my chakras are so aligned") and laughing hysterically, mostly at the comments, which can be just as relaxing.

Luckily, laughter has been shown to trigger the release of endorphins which assist in creating a sense of well being, WHICH I have to say is...pretty awesome.

While I realize that laughter may not be the best medicine for everything, it works for more situations than I had originally imagined. With the amount of stressors in day to day life it feels so good to laugh a little and unplug from the world.

 

Home at last

After weeks of meetings, school visits, endless phone calls and yet more meetings, the lovely darling has arrived home.

At first glance she doesn't appear worse for the wear but deep down I know that's not the case. It was a tough two weeks and we are glad, so very glad, to have her home.

Today was the first day at the new school and so far so good. Apparently there are a sufficient number of "hot guys" there.

Any suggestion that she is not going to school for the hot guys gets an eye roll, an audible scoff, followed by a clearly exaggerated statement like "well I'm certainly not there for learning", or something equally priceless.

Needless to say she's a wee bit dramatic, though I can't imagine where she gets it from.

Definitely not me.

Remember, I'm all about my moment of zen ;-)

a series of VERY fortunate events

Warning: there's nothing funny or sarcastic in this post, in fact it's just a timeline. If you're looking for a good laugh then I suggest you google Pearl the Landlord and make sure you're not taking a sip of something when Pearl starts to talk. Don't say I didn't warn you. BUT if you are looking to be reminded of how even in the midst of chaos wonderful things can happen, this is a good place to start.

The following is a series of events as they unfolded before my very eyes and as I recount them I am astounded, surprised, uplifted and soothed. I hope you will be too.

Tuesday, January 17th - Posted I'm not perfect...and neither are my kids

Wednesday, January 18th - received an email from a friend who had read my post, who told me about her own personal journey with teen depression and provided connections to several local resources.

Friday, January 20th, 9:53am - Sent an email to one of her resources for Kelsey.

Friday, January 20th, 10:05am - Received a reply from that resource with not only support for Kelsey when she gets home from treatment but also a connection to a co-worker as a resource for the family.

Friday, January 20th, 12:50pm - Received a phone call from the co-worker, reaching out to see what help, support, guidance, resources she and her network could provide. She offered to meet with me in person next Thursday morning as I prepare for the next meeting with Kelsey's doctors.

On Tuesday I felt like this journey was one that I was walking not alone but somewhat isolated, and today there is no denying that not only am I not isolated, I'm supported in every which way from every angle in every moment of every day. That email was one of many in support of Kelsey, our family and the long journey ahead and they've all touched me deeply.

Now go watch the Pearl video, I know I'm going to. Then I'm going to spend some time laughing at myself because as Natalie Portman's character in Garden State (amazing movie) said, "If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you like."

 

"Mommy, can you take the phone off of your ear?"

Out of the mouths of babes

Wednesday evening while chatting away on the phone with a friend and doula mamma, I got a brilliant request from my sweet pea. She's into playing with barbies now, of the Disney Princess variety, and the barbie I was "being" at that time has a mid-section and stiletto heels that blink a bright red glow at the touch of a button yet is dressed up as a veterinarian and her hair style reminds me of those poofy high school bangs we all had at one time or another.  I'm simultaneously whispering the voice of said trashy endowed barbie and receiving moral support on the phone all while crouching over barbie's beach house, complete with blender and iPod docking station. Apparently in that moment Emma did not share my belief that I was successfully multi-tasking as she announces "Mommy, can you take the phone off of your ear?".  Almost immediately laughter erupts from myself and my friend when we hear this from Emma, who has no idea of the awesomeness of the words that have just come out of her mouth. We ended the phone call shortly after and I spent the rest of the evening wrapped up in her adorable little face. That innocent little face who has no idea what's happening with her big sister and couldn't possibly comprehend the sadness involved, and most importantly, shouldn't have to. After the bathtime & bedtime routine, complete with books and two songs, I retreated to my room and made myself a little reminder on a sticky note...Emma is listening and needs her mommy too so take the phone off of your ear!

My mission, whether I choose to accept it or not

At the hospital meeting yesterday it was decided that Kelsey will be staying another 7 days and that we will meet up again next Friday to discuss what supports have been put in place for her return home and set a discharge date. It was hard seeing her in that place and also a little scary. Scary to have more realization of the true depth of this illness and the self destructive behaviors that go along with it. She is so angry with me, and scared and isn't ready to begin to heal herself. She's lashing out at whoever is closest and right now that person is me. Yesterday she told me that I "don't know shit" about her or what to do for her but luckily that's not true. I do know what to do now and I'm doing it. I'm doing anything and everything I can to keep her safe. Our season seems to be for her to be angry at me and I can either accept that or keep fighting against it (a kicking and screaming tantrum perhaps?). Now it's no secret that I don't like to be the bad guy, I want to be the fun cool mom and I've never liked that tough love part of parenting. But luckily with age, comes wisdom (for some) and with experience, comes perspective. So I've decided to accept this mission, this season, this tough love role. I might not have all the answers but I'm going keep asking questions and maybe one day 20 years from now she'll come to the realization that the only "shit" I ever really needed to know was that I love her and the rest we all just figure out as we go along.

insert more lighthearted topic ETSY!!

First of all if you haven't been to www.etsy.com then you haven't lived. Ok so that may be a slight exaggeration but seriously, seriously you have to check it out. It's not a recent discovery but a recent rediscovery in that I'm planning a fairly DIY wedding in September and want to make it as intimate and personal as possible. That is where the joy of etsy re-entered my world. I'm having a custom made goodie (shhh, it's a surprise) made for my bridesmaids and have found some of the most amazing items there AND here's the best best best part...they are all handmade so by shopping there I am supporting talented artists from all over the country!! I don't want to give all my secrets away, which btw is a line from my all time favorite song by One Republic but, I digress. Here's hoping you find something you absolutely MUST have for yourself there! I have two friends that happen to have their own shops there (Closing Circles and CreateBeautyDaily) I'm sure they'd love if you stopped by!

 

This is the part of my life I call...

...gratitude

When reading some of the responses to yesterdays cathartic post I was reminded of one of my  favorite movies, which I can barely even think about without tearing up called The Pursuit of Happyness.

If you somehow missed it, it's a brilliant movie inspired by the true story about a man who risked it all and even became homeless for a time with his young son while trying to make a better life for himself and his family.

It is painfully gut-wrenching and when I first saw it it really made me think about the fine line between where I was 10 years ago, aka young broke single mother barely paying bills, to a small business owner with a career that I love, two stunningly gorgeous daughters, a comfortable place I call home and a warm hug every night from a kind generous man who loves me.

ANYWAY, back to the movie. So my very favorite line in the movie was the following exchange between father and son and it goes a little something like this:"Hey dad, you wanna hear something funny? There was a man who was drowning and a boat came, and the man on the boat said "Do you need help?" and the man said "God will save me". Then another boat came and he tried to help him, but he said "God will save me", then he drowned and went to Heaven. Then the man told God, "God, why didn't you save me?" and God said "I sent you two boats, you dummy!".

That right there is priceless and brilliant in its simplicity because those life boats are all around us, surrounding me and my family, they have always been there and for that I am so grateful. It's a good reminder to look up dummy!

kicking and screaming

Emma is a big fan of waffles. Correction...Emma is a big fan of waffles that are cut into long pieces shaped perfectly for dipping in the syrup that she has poured into a small bowl. There is very little room for error on the syrup part of this morning ritual.

Even though it's important to point out that the side of the syrup bottle is a nasty sticky mess because Emma's version of pouring syrup (the method that should be expected from a 3 year old) leaves a lot to be desired, but she insists so I play along.

Now, if something else has caught her eye (look, squirrel!) and I make the mistake of pouring the syrup into the bowl myself then you can be certain of one thing, the shit is about to hit the proverbial fan.

That's right folks, Emma loves a good tantrum and really, who doesn't.

I know in those moments sometimes I have tantrum envy.

I mean how good would it feel to collapse to the floor and spend 2 minutes kicking and screaming when someone does something I find absolutely infuriating! Afterwards I would feel a little silly but in those kicking and screaming moments it seems like it would be thrilling!

But when I think about it a little more, I can see that I have plenty of tantrums in my own way.

An angry rant about the driver who cut me off, tantrum.

A kick to the side of a storage container because something won't fit, glaring tantrum.

Now when Emma has a tantrum I usually ride it out and then remind her to take a breath, but how often to I do that myself? In those moments where I have had the where with all to remind myself to take a breath it has really worked, and helped.

I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I want to wallow in the tantrum and feeling better is not on my radar but I do sometimes think that if I could remember to take that breath before the tantrum, THAT would be an awesome skill.

There have been some pretty amazing moments in my life that I remember like it was yesterday where something was happening and I remembered to breathe it all in, and for better or worse, those memories stick with me. I can only assume that breathing does a lot more for us then helping our kids calm down, besides the obvious of keeping our hearts beating.

Just sayin'.

Life goes on

Today I woke up and it was a totally new and different day, so I think I can safely say that tomorrow the same thing will happen. Only tomorrow I will drive two plus hours to meet with the team that has been working with Kelsey over these past five days and participate in making a plan for the next steps.

Wow, it's hard to believe it's been five days.

Five long days where I wondered and worried how my little girl was, although I can say knowing she was safe and not feeling the need to go into to her room to check that she was breathing was a welcome change.

It's amazing the things that become normal and accepted in your life that from an outside perspective would seem unimaginable.

But after I get home from that meeting I hope to do something else that has become normal and accepted, not to mention amazing. I'm going to come home, put on my non-sexy industrial sports bra, squeeze into my Athleta running pants, lace up my shoes and go for a long run. I hadn't connected this until a conversation at brunch last week with three of my very favorite doula clients, but I started running in the early spring of 2010.

That might not sound profound until I point out that Kelsey started cutting in late spring of 2010. I can remember that first school meeting like it was yesterday, down to the outfit I was wearing, where a teacher reported that she had seen marks on Kelsey's arm.

We talked about finding some activities for Kelsey and I told them I was doing a couch to 5k running program on my iPhone and was hoping to get Kelsey involved.

To me in retrospect it feels like my gut knew it was time to find an outlet and I did just that. I started running towards a happier me and have just kept on going.

Some people call it physical fitness, I call it free therapy and in all my research about helping teens with depression one thing is repeated in all of the literature - TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF so that you can take care of your children.

Amen to that my friends, Amen to that.

 

I'm not perfect...and neither are my kids

Ripping off the band-aid

First things first, this blog has served as a beautiful tool to keep friends and family updated on this crazy rollercoaster thing we call life and it has been a lot of fun. Thanks to anyone and everyone who's ever stopped by for a peek.

Secondly, my true inner monologue is about to come out of the dark dingy closet.

I'd like to point out that I started this blog when Kelsey was in 4th or 5th grade and we were working on a project called Life's Postcards. We told everyone to send us a postcard from different places and we kept track of them here.

Those posts don't even exist any longer but I still have a huge stack of postcards from all over the world. It was so wonderful to connect with so many people in that way and I cherish those cards...there's one from my biologial father sent from Bermuda, one from my middle school sweetheart sent from Thailand, and one from my best friend she sent while living in France.

All beautiful amazing people with whom I have shared a special part of my life with. But this next chapter of Life's Postcards will still serve to keep in touch and keep updated, but without the crumbling veil of self imposed perfection. Yup, that's right, I'm not perfect...and neither are my kids.

I'm not a perfect mom, daughter, loved one or friend. What I am is perfectly flawed and my life is perfectly messy. I've made my share of mistakes in my 37 years and as far as I can tell, that's going to continue for as long as I can keep plugging along.

I don't even want to be perfect anymore, what I want to do is learn and grow and share my oh so real, incredibly happy yet sometimes all together scary and messy life with whoever chooses to listen.

And in that oh so real place, I pray I make a difference in just one life. Save just one mom from wondering if she is the only person who is feeling this way, make just one parent laugh out loud about our shared realities of being human, let one person know that you're not alone.

Social Media, grrrrr

Let's put it this way, I had a love-hate relationship with Facebook for the first year or so.

I absolutely and genuinely LOVE seeing what everyone I know and have ever known is doing now. What their adorable kids look like and how their lives have turned out. Those beautiful smiling faces, new babies, wagging doggie tails and blissful wedding photos.

But at those moments when my life was not going as I had hoped, or planned, I felt (shamefully) jealous. Jealous of the married with 2.5 kids, perfectly manicured lawn and white picket fence realities.

But then I realized something, I POST THE SAME KIND OF THINGS! Because really, no one wants to post about their latest school meeting where they were told that their child was failing, nor would I be excited to read about that.

No one wants to post that they are having doubts about the realities of love and how we are expected to muddle through marriage without a manual.

Or how challenging it can be to be a parent, which I personally feel is best described by Elizabeth Stone as to "have your heart go walking around outside your body.".

I mean seriously people, even the tag line in the title of this damn blog once read "life is an adventure, sit back and enjoy the ride!" as if it is always so flipping enjoyable! I think that's the optimist in me, that person who wakes up happy every day and usually forgets what may have been bothering me the night before.

Until I remember.

Ok, here goes nothing

So this is it. This is where I rip off the band-aid and say something very real about my life. About something that's been going on for years that I have talked to very few people about.

I asked Kelsey if I could write about this before I even began writing about this, but even that gave power to the secret. It shouldn't be a secret and I don't want it to be, because I want to heal and perhaps help other parents heal and most importantly help our children, our hearts walking around outside our bodies, heal.

This is where our healing begins and this is the letter I wrote to Kelsey last week.

My name is Kerry.
I have a daughter who cuts.
She is beautiful but calls herself ugly names.
She is kind to others but hurts herself.
She is smart but calls herself stupid.
I love her with all my heart but she thinks I am mean and uncaring.
Sometimes I feel lost and wish I had the answers to heal her pain.
Sometimes I yell because I feel like no one hears my hearts cry.
Sometimes I cry because she tells me it's my fault.
But sometimes I pray and ask God for guidance and wisdom.
I ask for grace and wisdom and answers.
And in those moments, if I'm still and my mind is quiet, I can feel His presence.
At church each week I light a candle and ask God to be the light upon my daughters face that lifts her up and fills her spirit.
I pray, I pray, I pray.
I'm human and flawed and messy.
But each day I do my best and keep the faith alive.
My name is Kerry and I have a daughter who cuts.
But I still believe with all my heart that...it gets better.

Last Tuesday night one of Kelsey's friends moms called (don't even start with me about punctuation because it's not my stong suit and I googled how to write that and STILL CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT!) to let me know that Kelsey had told her daughter she was thinking of hurting herself.

Wednesday I wrote her the poem, printed it out and posted it on her wall, no not her Facebook wall but her actual wall.

Thursday night she posted a video about bullying, self harm, suicide and more about her sadness.

Friday she went into school and showed a teacher photos of herself where she was bleeding after cutting the word FAT into her arm the night before.

My beautiful, smart, talented, incredibly loved daughter has carved self loathing words into her arm. This was in fact the fourth word she's carved. My daughter has severe depression and when we went to the emergency mental health clinic it was our third visit there. 

whew!

Glad the big reveal is over because seriously, there are other things happening in the world.  I admit I had myself a nice little pity party after visiting Kelsey at the hospital on Sunday. I fell apart because really, no one prepares us for what it's really like to be a parent and I laugh now about what a melt down I have had in the past about things that now seem so trivial.

When you say you will do anything for your child no one tells you that means you will have to LITERALLY (insert Rob Lowe's character on Parks & Rec) do anything, even things that make you feel like you just got run over by a truck. Even things that make you think, wow, that right there was a pretty shitty low point in my life.

Oh yeah, that reminds me. In my new and improved blog I will occasionally use a swear word, sue me. If your kids are reading tell them to put on virtual earmuffs and skip to the end.

Now, go pour yourself a glass of wine and raise your glass because this toast is to you, to me and all of our mutual imperfections!

Life's Simple Pleasure #2 - blast that radio

As I prepare to write what will undoubtedly be one of the most difficult posts I've ever written and somewhat change the direction of this blog, I reflect back on the events of the past week, the ten hours of driving, the tears and the fear, and I found a moment where my heart ached a little less. A few stolen moments where the weight felt a little lighter and a feeling of calm took over.

I love music, I love to sing along and I love how songs can take me instantly to the memories of so many moments of my life. On Sunday I was driving by myself down I-81, sun drenched mountains to my left and a long road ahead. I had my Ipod plugged into the radio and I had set it to randomly play all of my music. Then came the song Bad Day by Fuel. Wow I love that song and it was a blast from the past. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry about how fitting it was so I just turned it up as loud as my ears could take and sang along at the top of my lungs. Sure there were tears but there was also a feeling of such relief to just let go. When it was over I listened to it again and again until suddenly I was done. I let the Ipod move onto the next random song and I admit that for a few minutes I felt better, lighter and in spite of a the challenge I knew I was about to face head on, I allowed myself to enjoy one of those blissful simple pleasures that life has to offer.

Here's a link to the song just in case you feel like blasting your radio and singing along...

Fuel - Bad Day (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Fuel

 

"She said I would not understand, She left a note and said I'm sorry I had a bad day again. And she swears there's nothing wrong, I hear her playing that same old song..."