...gratitude
When reading some of the responses to yesterdays cathartic post I was reminded of one of my favorite movies, which I can barely even think about without tearing up called The Pursuit of Happyness. If you somehow missed it, it's a brilliant movie inspired by the true story about a man who risked it all and even became homeless for a time with his young son while trying to make a better life for himself and his family. It is painfully gut-wrenching and when I first saw it it really made me think about the fine line between where I was 10 years ago, aka young broke single mother barely paying bills, to a small business owner with a career that I love, two stunningly gorgeous daughters, a comfortable place I call home and a warm hug every night from a kind generous man who loves me. ANYWAY, back to the movie. So my very favorite line in the movie was the following exchange between father and son and it goes a little something like this:"Hey dad, you wanna hear something funny? There was a man who was drowning and a boat came, and the man on the boat said "Do you need help?" and the man said "God will save me". Then another boat came and he tried to help him, but he said "God will save me", then he drowned and went to Heaven. Then the man told God, "God, why didn't you save me?" and God said "I sent you two boats, you dummy!". That right there is priceless and brilliant in its simplicity because those life boats are all around us, surrounding me and my family, they have always been there and for that I am so grateful. It's a good reminder to look up dummy!
kicking and screaming
Emma is a big fan of waffles. Correction...Emma is a big fan of waffles that are cut into long pieces shaped perfectly for dipping in the syrup that she has poured into a small bowl. There is very little room for error on the syrup part of this morning ritual. Even though it's important to point out that the side of the syrup bottle is a nasty sticky mess because Emma's version of pouring syrup (the method that should be expected from a 3 year old) leaves a lot to be desired, but she insists so I play along. Now, if something else has caught her eye (look, squirrel!) and I make the mistake of pouring the syrup into the bowl myself then you can be certain of one thing, the shit is about to hit the proverbial fan. That's right folks, Emma loves a good tantrum and really, who doesn't. I know in those moments sometimes I have tantrum envy. I mean how good would it feel to collapse to the floor and spend 2 minutes kicking and screaming when someone does something I find absolutely infuriating! Afterwards I would feel a little silly but in those kicking and screaming moments it seems like it would be thrilling! But when I think about it a little more, I can see that I have plenty of tantrums in my own way. An angry rant about the driver who cut me off, tantrum. A kick to the side of a storage container because something wont fit, glaring tantrum. Now when Emma has a tantrum I usually ride it out and then remind her to take a breath, but how often to I do that myself? In those moments where I have had the where with all to remind myself to take a breath it has really worked, and helped. I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I want to wallow in the tantrum and feeling better is not on my radar but I do sometimes think that if I could remember to take that breath before the tantrum, THAT would be an awesome skill. There have been some pretty amazing moments in my life that I remember like it was yesterday where something was happening and I remembered to breathe it all in, and for better or worse, those memories stick with me. I can only assume that breathing does a lot more for us then helping our kids calm down, besides the obvious of keeping our hearts beating. Just sayin'.
Life goes on
Today I woke up and it was a totally new and different day, so I think I can safely say that tomorrow the same thing will happen. Only tomorrow I will drive two plus hours to meet with the team that has been working with Kelsey over these past five days and participate in making a plan for the next steps. Wow, it's hard to believe it's been five days. Five long days where I wondered and worried how my little girl was, although I can say knowing she was safe and not feeling the need to go into to her room to check that she was breathing was a welcome change. It's amazing the things that become normal and accepted in your life that from an outside perspective would seem unimaginable. But after I get home from that meeting I hope to do something else that has become normal and accepted, not to mention amazing. I'm going to come home, put on my non-sexy industrial sports bra, squeeze into my Athleta running pants, lace up my shoes and go for a long run. I hadn't connected this until a conversation at brunch last week with three of my very favorite doula clients, but I started running in the early spring of 2010. That might not sound profound until I point out that Kelsey started cutting in late spring of 2010. I can remember that first school meeting like it was yesterday, down to the outfit I was wearing, where a teacher reported that she had seen marks on Kelsey's arm. We talked about finding some activities for Kelsey and I told them I was doing a couch to 5k running program on my iPhone and was hoping to get Kelsey involved. To me in retrospect it feels like my gut knew it was time to find an outlet and I did just that. I started running towards a happier me and have just kept on going. Some people call it physical fitness, I call it free therapy and in all my research about helping teens with depression one thing is repeated in all of the literature - TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF so that you can take care of your children. Amen to that my friends, Amen to that.
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