I'm not perfect...and neither are my kids

Ripping off the band-aid

First things first, this blog has served as a beautiful tool to keep friends and family updated on this crazy rollercoaster thing we call life and it has been a lot of fun. Thanks to anyone and everyone who's ever stopped by for a peek.

Secondly, my true inner monologue is about to come out of the dark dingy closet.

I'd like to point out that I started this blog when Kelsey was in 4th or 5th grade and we were working on a project called Life's Postcards. We told everyone to send us a postcard from different places and we kept track of them here.

Those posts don't even exist any longer but I still have a huge stack of postcards from all over the world. It was so wonderful to connect with so many people in that way and I cherish those cards...there's one from my biologial father sent from Bermuda, one from my middle school sweetheart sent from Thailand, and one from my best friend she sent while living in France.

All beautiful amazing people with whom I have shared a special part of my life with. But this next chapter of Life's Postcards will still serve to keep in touch and keep updated, but without the crumbling veil of self imposed perfection. Yup, that's right, I'm not perfect...and neither are my kids.

I'm not a perfect mom, daughter, loved one or friend. What I am is perfectly flawed and my life is perfectly messy. I've made my share of mistakes in my 37 years and as far as I can tell, that's going to continue for as long as I can keep plugging along.

I don't even want to be perfect anymore, what I want to do is learn and grow and share my oh so real, incredibly happy yet sometimes all together scary and messy life with whoever chooses to listen.

And in that oh so real place, I pray I make a difference in just one life. Save just one mom from wondering if she is the only person who is feeling this way, make just one parent laugh out loud about our shared realities of being human, let one person know that you're not alone.

Social Media, grrrrr

Let's put it this way, I had a love-hate relationship with Facebook for the first year or so.

I absolutely and genuinely LOVE seeing what everyone I know and have ever known is doing now. What their adorable kids look like and how their lives have turned out. Those beautiful smiling faces, new babies, wagging doggie tails and blissful wedding photos.

But at those moments when my life was not going as I had hoped, or planned, I felt (shamefully) jealous. Jealous of the married with 2.5 kids, perfectly manicured lawn and white picket fence realities.

But then I realized something, I POST THE SAME KIND OF THINGS! Because really, no one wants to post about their latest school meeting where they were told that their child was failing, nor would I be excited to read about that.

No one wants to post that they are having doubts about the realities of love and how we are expected to muddle through marriage without a manual.

Or how challenging it can be to be a parent, which I personally feel is best described by Elizabeth Stone as to "have your heart go walking around outside your body.".

I mean seriously people, even the tag line in the title of this damn blog once read "life is an adventure, sit back and enjoy the ride!" as if it is always so flipping enjoyable! I think that's the optimist in me, that person who wakes up happy every day and usually forgets what may have been bothering me the night before.

Until I remember.

Ok, here goes nothing

So this is it. This is where I rip off the band-aid and say something very real about my life. About something that's been going on for years that I have talked to very few people about.

I asked Kelsey if I could write about this before I even began writing about this, but even that gave power to the secret. It shouldn't be a secret and I don't want it to be, because I want to heal and perhaps help other parents heal and most importantly help our children, our hearts walking around outside our bodies, heal.

This is where our healing begins and this is the letter I wrote to Kelsey last week.

My name is Kerry.
I have a daughter who cuts.
She is beautiful but calls herself ugly names.
She is kind to others but hurts herself.
She is smart but calls herself stupid.
I love her with all my heart but she thinks I am mean and uncaring.
Sometimes I feel lost and wish I had the answers to heal her pain.
Sometimes I yell because I feel like no one hears my hearts cry.
Sometimes I cry because she tells me it's my fault.
But sometimes I pray and ask God for guidance and wisdom.
I ask for grace and wisdom and answers.
And in those moments, if I'm still and my mind is quiet, I can feel His presence.
At church each week I light a candle and ask God to be the light upon my daughters face that lifts her up and fills her spirit.
I pray, I pray, I pray.
I'm human and flawed and messy.
But each day I do my best and keep the faith alive.
My name is Kerry and I have a daughter who cuts.
But I still believe with all my heart that...it gets better.

Last Tuesday night one of Kelsey's friends moms called (don't even start with me about punctuation because it's not my stong suit and I googled how to write that and STILL CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT!) to let me know that Kelsey had told her daughter she was thinking of hurting herself.

Wednesday I wrote her the poem, printed it out and posted it on her wall, no not her Facebook wall but her actual wall.

Thursday night she posted a video about bullying, self harm, suicide and more about her sadness.

Friday she went into school and showed a teacher photos of herself where she was bleeding after cutting the word FAT into her arm the night before.

My beautiful, smart, talented, incredibly loved daughter has carved self loathing words into her arm. This was in fact the fourth word she's carved. My daughter has severe depression and when we went to the emergency mental health clinic it was our third visit there. 

whew!

Glad the big reveal is over because seriously, there are other things happening in the world.  I admit I had myself a nice little pity party after visiting Kelsey at the hospital on Sunday. I fell apart because really, no one prepares us for what it's really like to be a parent and I laugh now about what a melt down I have had in the past about things that now seem so trivial.

When you say you will do anything for your child no one tells you that means you will have to LITERALLY (insert Rob Lowe's character on Parks & Rec) do anything, even things that make you feel like you just got run over by a truck. Even things that make you think, wow, that right there was a pretty shitty low point in my life.

Oh yeah, that reminds me. In my new and improved blog I will occasionally use a swear word, sue me. If your kids are reading tell them to put on virtual earmuffs and skip to the end.

Now, go pour yourself a glass of wine and raise your glass because this toast is to you, to me and all of our mutual imperfections!

Comments

[Susan Reynolds]

My name is Susan. And my heart walks around outside my body in this blog, as Kerry is my daughter and Kelsey is my first grandchild and the one I know the best - and sometimes the least.

Kerry, I hope you know that none of the friends who will read here are expecting perfection from you. Each of us can only do our best at that moment, and hopefully improve as we go along. We love you and want to do everything possible to support you.

[Tara Gunkel]

My name is Tara. My heart walks around outside my body in this blog because Kerry will soon officially be my sister-in-law, Kelsey will soon be niece and I to have a child that suffers with severe depression. Circumstances are different but the pain and frustration is the same. I am NOT a perfect parent! I'm very laid back and not much bothers or upsets me. But having a child who is hurting and you not being able to help will break you down quick. It has been a struggle and continues to be but with each passing day IT GETS BETTER! It will never be perfect, but then again a perfect life would in my opinion be quite boring. I know that i'm thousands of miles away but I am here for you, whether its just to say hi or needing someone to vent to, i'm here, day or night. I also want to say how proud I am of you for being strong enough to post this and hopefully spread awareness about a very often over looked illness. Sorry if this is broken/choppy, I know what I want to say but have trouble actually putting it into words. I love you guys and will be praying for y'all

[Kerry Reynolds]

Thanks so much for your love and support Tara, what would we do without our friends and family to cheer us on!! xoxoxo

[Kerry Reynolds]

Aww mom your post made me cry, we love you! xoxoxo