Life's Postcards

a series of VERY fortunate events

Warning: there's nothing funny or sarcastic in this post, in fact it's just a timeline. If you're looking for a good laugh then I suggest you google Pearl the Landlord and make sure you're not taking a sip of something when Pearl starts to talk. Don't say I didn't warn you. BUT if you are looking to be reminded of how even in the midst of chaos wonderful things can happen, this is a good place to start.

The following is a series of events as they unfolded before my very eyes and as I recount them I am astounded, surprised, uplifted and soothed. I hope you will be too.

Tuesday, January 17th - Posted I'm not perfect...and neither are my kids

Wednesday, January 18th - received an email from a friend who had read my post, who told me about her own personal journey with teen depression and provided connections to several local resources.

Friday, January 20th, 9:53am - Sent an email to one of her resources for Kelsey.

Friday, January 20th, 10:05am - Received a reply from that resource with not only support for Kelsey when she gets home from treatment but also a connection to a co-worker as a resource for the family.

Friday, January 20th, 12:50pm - Received a phone call from the co-worker, reaching out to see what help, support, guidance, resources she and her network could provide. She offered to meet with me in person next Thursday morning as I prepare for the next meeting with Kelsey's doctors.

On Tuesday I felt like this journey was one that I was walking not alone but somewhat isolated, and today there is no denying that not only am I not isolated, I'm supported in every which way from every angle in every moment of every day. That email was one of many in support of Kelsey, our family and the long journey ahead and they've all touched me deeply.

Now go watch the Pearl video, I know I'm going to. Then I'm going to spend some time laughing at myself because as Natalie Portman's character in Garden State (amazing movie) said, "If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you like."

 

"Mommy, can you take the phone off of your ear?"

Out of the mouths of babes

Wednesday evening while chatting away on the phone with a friend and doula mamma, I got a brilliant request from my sweet pea. She's into playing with barbies now, of the Disney Princess variety, and the barbie I was "being" at that time has a mid-section and stiletto heels that blink a bright red glow at the touch of a button yet is dressed up as a veterinarian and her hair style reminds me of those poofy high school bangs we all had at one time or another.  I'm simultaneously whispering the voice of said trashy endowed barbie and receiving moral support on the phone all while crouching over barbie's beach house, complete with blender and iPod docking station. Apparently in that moment Emma did not share my belief that I was successfully multi-tasking as she announces "Mommy, can you take the phone off of your ear?".  Almost immediately laughter erupts from myself and my friend when we hear this from Emma, who has no idea of the awesomeness of the words that have just come out of her mouth. We ended the phone call shortly after and I spent the rest of the evening wrapped up in her adorable little face. That innocent little face who has no idea what's happening with her big sister and couldn't possibly comprehend the sadness involved, and most importantly, shouldn't have to. After the bathtime & bedtime routine, complete with books and two songs, I retreated to my room and made myself a little reminder on a sticky note...Emma is listening and needs her mommy too so take the phone off of your ear!

My mission, whether I choose to accept it or not

At the hospital meeting yesterday it was decided that Kelsey will be staying another 7 days and that we will meet up again next Friday to discuss what supports have been put in place for her return home and set a discharge date. It was hard seeing her in that place and also a little scary. Scary to have more realization of the true depth of this illness and the self destructive behaviors that go along with it. She is so angry with me, and scared and isn't ready to begin to heal herself. She's lashing out at whoever is closest and right now that person is me. Yesterday she told me that I "don't know shit" about her or what to do for her but luckily that's not true. I do know what to do now and I'm doing it. I'm doing anything and everything I can to keep her safe. Our season seems to be for her to be angry at me and I can either accept that or keep fighting against it (a kicking and screaming tantrum perhaps?). Now it's no secret that I don't like to be the bad guy, I want to be the fun cool mom and I've never liked that tough love part of parenting. But luckily with age, comes wisdom (for some) and with experience, comes perspective. So I've decided to accept this mission, this season, this tough love role. I might not have all the answers but I'm going keep asking questions and maybe one day 20 years from now she'll come to the realization that the only "shit" I ever really needed to know was that I love her and the rest we all just figure out as we go along.

insert more lighthearted topic ETSY!!

First of all if you haven't been to www.etsy.com then you haven't lived. Ok so that may be a slight exaggeration but seriously, seriously you have to check it out. It's not a recent discovery but a recent rediscovery in that I'm planning a fairly DIY wedding in September and want to make it as intimate and personal as possible. That is where the joy of etsy re-entered my world. I'm having a custom made goodie (shhh, it's a surprise) made for my bridesmaids and have found some of the most amazing items there AND here's the best best best part...they are all handmade so by shopping there I am supporting talented artists from all over the country!! I don't want to give all my secrets away, which btw is a line from my all time favorite song by One Republic but, I digress. Here's hoping you find something you absolutely MUST have for yourself there! I have two friends that happen to have their own shops there (Closing Circles and CreateBeautyDaily) I'm sure they'd love if you stopped by!

 

This is the part of my life I call...

...gratitude

When reading some of the responses to yesterdays cathartic post I was reminded of one of my  favorite movies, which I can barely even think about without tearing up called The Pursuit of Happyness. If you somehow missed it, it's a brilliant movie inspired by the true story about a man who risked it all and even became homeless for a time with his young son while trying to make a better life for himself and his family. It is painfully gut-wrenching and when I first saw it it really made me think about the fine line between where I was 10 years ago, aka young broke single mother barely paying bills, to a small business owner with a career that I love, two stunningly gorgeous daughters, a comfortable place I call home and a warm hug every night from a kind generous man who loves me. ANYWAY, back to the movie. So my very favorite line in the movie was the following exchange between father and son and it goes a little something like this:"Hey dad, you wanna hear something funny? There was a man who was drowning and a boat came, and the man on the boat said "Do you need help?" and the man said "God will save me". Then another boat came and he tried to help him, but he said "God will save me", then he drowned and went to Heaven. Then the man told God, "God, why didn't you save me?" and God said "I sent you two boats, you dummy!". That right there is priceless and brilliant in its simplicity because those life boats are all around us, surrounding me and my family, they have always been there and for that I am so grateful. It's a good reminder to look up dummy!

kicking and screaming

Emma is a big fan of waffles. Correction...Emma is a big fan of waffles that are cut into long pieces shaped perfectly for dipping in the syrup that she has poured into a small bowl. There is very little room for error on the syrup part of this morning ritual. Even though it's important to point out that the side of the syrup bottle is a nasty sticky mess because Emma's version of pouring syrup (the method that should be expected from a 3 year old) leaves a lot to be desired, but she insists so I play along. Now, if something else has caught her eye (look, squirrel!) and I make the mistake of pouring the syrup into the bowl myself then you can be certain of one thing, the shit is about to hit the proverbial fan. That's right folks, Emma loves a good tantrum and really, who doesn't. I know in those moments sometimes I have tantrum envy. I mean how good would it feel to collapse to the floor and spend 2 minutes kicking and screaming when someone does something I find absolutely infuriating! Afterwards I would feel a little silly but in those kicking and screaming moments it seems like it would be thrilling! But when I think about it a little more, I can see that I have plenty of tantrums in my own way. An angry rant about the driver who cut me off, tantrum. A kick to the side of a storage container because something wont fit, glaring tantrum. Now when Emma has a tantrum I usually ride it out and then remind her to take a breath, but how often to I do that myself? In those moments where I have had the where with all to remind myself to take a breath it has really worked, and helped. I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I want to wallow in the tantrum and feeling better is not on my radar but I do sometimes think that if I could remember to take that breath before the tantrum, THAT would be an awesome skill. There have been some pretty amazing moments in my life that I remember like it was yesterday where something was happening and I remembered to breathe it all in, and for better or worse, those memories stick with me. I can only assume that breathing does a lot more for us then helping our kids calm down, besides the obvious of keeping our hearts beating. Just sayin'.

Life goes on

Today I woke up and it was a totally new and different day, so I think I can safely say that tomorrow the same thing will happen. Only tomorrow I will drive two plus hours to meet with the team that has been working with Kelsey over these past five days and participate in making a plan for the next steps. Wow, it's hard to believe it's been five days. Five long days where I wondered and worried how my little girl was, although I can say knowing she was safe and not feeling the need to go into to her room to check that she was breathing was a welcome change. It's amazing the things that become normal and accepted in your life that from an outside perspective would seem unimaginable. But after I get home from that meeting I hope to do something else that has become normal and accepted, not to mention amazing. I'm going to come home, put on my non-sexy industrial sports bra, squeeze into my Athleta running pants, lace up my shoes and go for a long run. I hadn't connected this until a conversation at brunch last week with three of my very favorite doula clients, but I started running in the early spring of 2010. That might not sound profound until I point out that Kelsey started cutting in late spring of 2010. I can remember that first school meeting like it was yesterday, down to the outfit I was wearing, where a teacher reported that she had seen marks on Kelsey's arm. We talked about finding some activities for Kelsey and I told them I was doing a couch to 5k running program on my iPhone and was hoping to get Kelsey involved. To me in retrospect it feels like my gut knew it was time to find an outlet and I did just that. I started running towards a happier me and have just kept on going. Some people call it physical fitness, I call it free therapy and in all my research about helping teens with depression one thing is repeated in all of the literature - TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF so that you can take care of your children. Amen to that my friends, Amen to that.

 

I'm not perfect...and neither are my kids

Ripping off the band-aid

First things first, this blog has served as a beautiful tool to keep friends and family updated on this crazy rollercoaster thing we call life and it has been a lot of fun. Thanks to anyone and everyone who's ever stopped by for a peek.

Secondly, my true inner monologue is about to come out of the dark dingy closet. I'd like to point out that I started this blog when Kelsey was in 4th or 5th grade and we were working on a project called Life's Postcards. We told everyone to send us a postcard from different places and we kept track of them here. Those posts don't even exist any longer but I still have a huge stack of postcards from all over the world. It was so wonderful to connect with so many people in that way and I cherish those cards...there's one from my biologial father sent from Bermuda, one from my middle school sweetheart sent from Thailand, and one from my best friend she sent while living in France. All beautiful amazing people with whom I have shared a special part of my life with. But this next chapter of Life's Postcards will still serve to keep in touch and keep updated, but without the crumbling veil of self imposed perfection. Yup, that's right, I'm not perfect...and neither are my kids. I'm not a perfect mom, daughter, loved one or friend. What I am is perfectly flawed and my life is perfectly messy. I've made my share of mistakes in my 37 years and as far as I can tell, that's going to continue for as long as I can keep plugging along. I don't even want to be perfect anymore, what I want to do is learn and grow and share my oh so real, incredibly happy yet sometimes all together scary and messy life with whoever chooses to listen. And in that oh so real place, I pray I make a difference in just one life. Save just one mom from wondering if she is the only person who is feeling this way, make just one parent laugh out loud about our shared realities of being human, let one person know that you're not alone.

Social Media, grrrrr

Let's put it this way, I had a love-hate relationship with Facebook for the first year or so. I absolutely and genuinely LOVE seeing what everyone I know and have ever known is doing now. What their adorable kids look like and how their lives have turned out. Those beautiful smiling faces, new babies, wagging doggie tails and blissful wedding photos. But at those moments when my life was not going as I had hoped, or planned, I felt (shamefully) jealous. Jealous of the married with 2.5 kids, perfectly manicured lawn and white picket fence realities. But then I realized something, I POST THE SAME KIND OF THINGS! Because really, no one wants to post about their latest school meeting where they were told that their child was failing, nor would I be excited to read about that. No one wants to post that they are having doubts about the realities of love and how we are expected to muddle through marriage without a manual. Or how challenging it can be to be a parent, which I personally feel is best described by Elizabeth Stone as to "have your heart go walking around outside your body.". I mean seriously people, even the tag line in the title of this damn blog reads "life is an adventure, sit back and enjoy the ride!" as if it is always so flipping enjoyable! I think that's the optimist in me, that person who wakes up happy every day and usually forgets what may have been bothering me the night before. Until I remember.

Ok, here goes nothing

So this is it. This is where I rip off the band-aid and say something very real about my life. About something that's been going on for years that I have talked to very few people about. I asked Kelsey if I could write about this before I even began writing about this, but even that gave power to the secret. It shouldn't be a secret and I don't want it to be, because I want to heal and perhaps help other parents heal and most importantly help our children, our hearts walking around outside our bodies, heal. This is where our healing begins and this is the letter I wrote to Kelsey last week.

My name is Kerry.
I have a daughter who cuts.
She is beautiful but calls herself ugly names.
She is kind to others but hurts herself.
She is smart but calls herself stupid.
I love her with all my heart but she thinks I am mean and uncaring.
Sometimes I feel lost and wish I had the answers to heal her pain.
Sometimes I yell because I feel like no one hears my hearts cry.
Sometimes I cry because she tells me it's my fault.
But sometimes I pray and ask God for guidance and wisdom.
I ask for grace and wisdom and answers.
And in those moments, if I'm still and my mind is quiet, I can feel His presence.
At church each week I light a candle and ask God to be the light upon my daughters face that lifts her up and fills her spirit.
I pray, I pray, I pray.
I'm human and flawed and messy.
But each day I do my best and keep the faith alive.
My name is Kerry and I have a daughter who cuts.
But I still believe with all my heart that...it gets better.

Last Tuesday night one of Kelsey's friends moms called (don't even start with me about punctuation because it's not my stong suit and I googled how to write that and STILL CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT!) to let me know that Kelsey had told her daughter she was thinking of hurting herself. Wednesday I wrote her the poem, printed it out and posted it on her wall, no not her Facebook wall but her actual wall. Thursday night she posted a video about bullying, self harm and more about her sadness. Friday she went into school and showed a teacher photos of herself where she was bleeding after cutting the word FAT into her arm the night before. My beautiful, smart, talented, incredibly loved daughter has carved self loathing words into her arm. This was in fact the fourth word she's carved. My daughter has severe depression and when we went to the emergency mental health clinic it was our third visit there. 

whew!

Glad the big reveal is over because seriously, there are other things happening in the world.  I admit I had myself a nice little pity party after visiting Kelsey at the hospital on Sunday. I fell apart because really, no one prepares us for what it's really like to be a parent and I laugh now about what a melt down I have had in the past about things that now seem so trivial. When you say you will do anything for your child no one tells you that means you will have to LITERALLY (insert Rob Lowe's character on Parks & Rec) do anything, even things that make you feel like you just got run over by a truck. Even things that make you think, wow, that right there was a pretty shitty low point in my life. Oh yeah, that reminds me. In my new and improved blog I will occasionally use a swear word, sue me. If your kids are reading tell them to put on virtual earmuffs and skip to the end.

Now, go pour yourself a glass of wine and raise your glass because this toast is to you, to me and all of our mutual imperfections!

Life's Simple Pleasure #2 - blast that radio

As I prepare to write what will undoubtedly be one of the most difficult posts I've ever written and somewhat change the direction of this blog, I reflect back on the events of the past week, the ten hours of driving, the tears and the fear, and I found a moment where my heart ached a little less. A few stolen moments where the weight felt a little lighter and a feeling of calm took over.

I love music, I love to sing along and I love how songs can take me instantly to the memories of so many moments of my life. On Sunday I was driving by myself down I-81, sun drenched mountains to my left and a long road ahead. I had my Ipod plugged into the radio and I had set it to randomly play all of my music. Then came the song Bad Day by Fuel. Wow I love that song and it was a blast from the past. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry about how fitting it was so I just turned it up as loud as my ears could take and sang along at the top of my lungs. Sure there were tears but there was also a feeling of such relief to just let go. When it was over I listened to it again and again until suddenly I was done. I let the Ipod move onto the next random song and I admit that for a few minutes I felt better, lighter and in spite of a the challenge I knew I was about to face head on, I allowed myself to enjoy one of those blissful simple pleasures that life has to offer.

Here's a link to the song just in case you feel like blasting your radio and singing along...

Fuel - Bad Day (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Fuel

 

"She said I would not understand, She left a note and said I'm sorry I had a bad day again. And she swears there's nothing wrong, I hear her playing that same old song..."

Life's Simple Pleasure #1 - rolling down hills

There's no denying that sometimes, the best things in life are free. But when I'm grouching about dirty clothes, stressing over savings sccounts or wishing I was on a beach somewhere, rarely does that basic truth come to mind. Thus begins my 52 weeks of Life's Simple Pleasures project. A reminder to me, and anyone who cares to be reminded, that life is short and it's all about the little things.

“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like there's nobody listening, And live like it's heaven on earth.”

 

The doors of New Orleans

We had a wonderful trip to visit family in Louisiana, Kelsey and I were welcomed into the Gunkel family with open arms and we found out that we are all pretty good traveling companions. After two days in Slidell (including a 7 mile run!) A and I went down to New Orleans while Kels hung out with her new cousins.  During our two "kidless" days we had the opportunity to take lots of photos, start new travel traditions and walk around the Big Easy with the largest daiquiri I've ever seen!

Wandering the foggy streets in the early morning hours as New Orleans wakes up was beautiful, there was plenty of live music, tasty Cafe du Monde beignets, and beautiful galleries with artists in process. The French Market was divine and we found lots of goodies at the flea market. If you have the right shoes (luckily we did) you can pretty much spend an entire day walking the streets, which we did. 

Here is a peek at some of the beauty we encountered along the streets of NOLA.

 

 

 

I survived...

  ...the debacle that was The Hot Chocolate 15k. But I didn't choose to rant, you can get plenty of that by simply googling the name of the race. Nope, instead of ranting I, high off the endorphins of my very first 9.3 mile race, decided to run a 5 mile race the very next weekend at the Jingle All The Way 8k. Ouch. Yeah, that's going to leave a mark. But either way, I've come a long way from my first 5k in October of 2010 and I plan to just keep on running, running, running.

 

Since it's January 2 I've started training for my upcoming 2012 races!! Feel free to stop by to cheer us all on, the spectators at these events are CRUCIAL to the mental aspect of running.

 

 

March 17 - Shamrock Half Marathon (13.1k) I will be wearing a green tutu...ok maybe not but there will be green socks! ;-)

April 22 - GW Parkway Classic 10 Miler

August 19 - Iron Girl Triathalon (750-meter swim, 20k-bike ride and a 5k-run)

*November 22 - Turkey Trot (TBD)

*Dec 10 - Santa Monica & Venice Christmas 10k (I am hoping to attend this but we shall see)

*December 31 - New Years Eve Fairfax Four Miler

 

 

 

Preschool, 8th grade and other random happenings

I'm sitting in my sunny, newly unpacked doula home office, with the windows wide open, enjoying the amazing scent of fall air, listening to some fantastic new Indigo Girls music and writing birth stories for the four births that I've attended over the course of the last few weeks. Sleep deprived, fighting a cold and yet so so thankful.

I intended to write this post days ago, but was reminded with the annocement of Steve Jobs death of something I should well know by now, not to put things off. If you had asked me a year ago who Steve Jobs was I could have given you a vauge answer. But over the course of these last six months I've gone from being an exclusive PC user to a proud convert to the Mac. This post was drafted on the mini, edits done on the macbook, photos downloaded from my iPhone and edited on iPhoto while re-watching Lost streaming over the Apple TV. Seriously, IT IS AMAZING and so many aspects of my work have gone from tedious to fast and easy. Love love love it, cheers Steve Jobs and thank you for your work.

There have been many moments over the last month that I have needed to take a nice long breath and accept that sometimes the realities of life overwhelm me. I am so thankful and blessed for all that I have, I love and appreciate every moment of life, even the tough ones.  Last night I helped a blind father hold his 4lb 13oz baby in his arms, while attached to an IV and all the other things that go along with babies in the NICU. When I came home, long past their bedtime, I looked in on my two babies now three and thirteen and came to the conclusion that in my eyes, they will always be those little precious bundles that I once held gently in my arms and when one of them is hurting, it is just as scary and overwhelming.

In other news, Emma started preschool this year and she is LOVING IT! She took to it right away and has already made new friends, yay! My little extroverted social butterfly is in her element and enjoying every minute.

Kelsey is now an 8th grader and is hoping this is going to be a fantastic new school year. She is also now officially a teenager, she is 13 afterall. I found out recently that she came across this blog so I'm sure if she sees this she'll read it and roll her eyes as if to say duh mom! Being the mom to a teenager has plenty of challenges but it also provides me many opportunities to grow and learn!

Enjoy some other memorable moments from the last six months...

Playing with the geese at Burke Lake Park after a run (aka ride in the jogger stroller)

Relay Team Wintergrowth - Iron Girl Triathalon, Columbia MD

goofing around at the dinner table

what a face!

she always remembers to stop and smell the flowers

mommy daughter nap time after a long day

Fruit snacks, Emma's favoite indulgence

See you in a couple months!! Who knows what changes will have taken place by then :-)

 

Runners Log, Stardate 64678.4

Yes, I had to look that up. Can you believe there is a Stardate converter that takes todays date and converts it to a Star Trek Stardate? Love it. Anyway, this post has nothing to do with Star Trek and everything to do with other random musings.

 

Today's post brought to you by...this beautiful mug and some hot home-brewed Starbucks Christmas Blend, my favorite of their beans. Both were gifts, separately. The mug I just recently received as a thank you from a doula client, imagine how my heart sang when the card inside read simply "to the best doula ever". And it wasn't just any mug, it was a mug identical to the ones I had admired in their home when we used them to share many cups of tea and coffee over the course of 4 childbirth/relaxation classes. The coffee beans were a part of a wonderful week I experienced in the first week of January, hard to believe 4 lbs of Christmas Blend has lasted me through March! And I still appreciate the gift, very much.

Ooooh, I just noticed another gift in this photo, the yummy green & pink flowered blanket in the background what a Christmas gift last year from my amazing sister-in-law! I am one lucky lady!

Runners Log?

Inspired by recent events, I decided to start logging my running progress. Today I ran 3 miles and it felt amazing. (ok, I didn't really run three miles yet but I am going to when I drop Emma off and I'm psyching myself up) I did however start my day with a new green smoothie recipe that I made up, or heard somewhere and cataloged in my brain. Whole Foods was out of long leaf spinach this weekend so I bought some Red Kale and viola, a new recipe emerged.This is using the 3:1 ratio of veggies to fruits that I learned from Kris Carr's Crazy Sexy Diet. Her website www.crazysexylife.com is one of my favorite places to visit for ideas and inspiration. Anyway, here's todays smoothie recipe:

• 1 piece of Organic Red Kale, stalk included
• 1/2 Organic Cucumber, peel on
• 1 Organic Granny Smith Apple, peel on
• 1 handful Organic Baby Carrots
• 1-2 cups Organic Orange Juice (enough to make all items blend smoothly and pour nicely)
• 1 tablespoon Flax Oil
• 1 tablespoon honey

I hear Emma over the monitor singing "mommy, mommy, mommy" which means it's time to go see her big smile and start our day!

MID-DAY UPDATE:

Much to my own amazement, I accomplished this mornings intention of running 3 miles. Setting that intention was inspired by an article written by a dear, beautiful friend who set an intention of sending a monthly newsletter and just passed the one year mark! I wrote it in two places, this blog and on my kitchen chalkboard, so that it was fresh in my mind.

I decided to go for my Christmas Day 3.2 mi loop, carefully setting goals along the way. After briskly walking the first minute or two I set out on the Burke paths that trail behind the houses and made my way slow and steady out to Burke Lake Road. Listening to my body I decided not to stop at the top of the first incline (which is a bad habit of mine), instead I simply slowed down to the point I no longer felt winded. I continued along and again didn't stop where I usually do to cross Burke Center Parkway, instead I slowed my pace on approach of the intersection so that I arrived when the light changed. I had a goal to get to the top of the next incline and then walk, but as I climbed, instead of looking at the crosswalk sign (my goal) I kept my head up but let my eyes follow the line where the grass meets the pathway and repeated "relax, relax, relax". I was thrilled when I reached the top and instead of needing to walk I set another goal of the next crosswalk sign and used the same technique as before. I didn't waste energy jumping up to hit the sign (as I used to do) as I passed it, just kept picking new things to run to. As I passed mile two I eventually let myself walk to the approaching traffic light which took about one minute and then started running again after crossing. That all too familiar cramp in my side was building so I did some deep belly breathing as I had read in Runners World and it passed around the same time I excitedly passed by Starbucks for the first time during a run since Christmas Day. As I crossed back over Burke Center to head home I took off my hat and outer layer, which cooled me off a little as I slow rolled it back through the paths and into my neighborhood. I walked the last 30-60 seconds and jumped for joy as I arrived home feeling exhilarated!